OPERATION FLATLAND CONQUEST – DECEMBER MISSION REPORTS

Before the great ascent of Fiddler's Hill.

Subject: Reconnaissance of Norfolk’s Historical, Geological, and Topographical Flatland Anomalies.

Objective: Identify, assess, and report on Norfolk’s alleged elevated terrains, historical sites, and mysterious formations.

Mission 001: The Merton Stone

Coordinates: 52.568°N, 0.844°E

Objective: Investigate Norfolk’s most stubborn boulder, rumored to predate the county itself.

Summary:

The Merton Stone, a 25-ton glacial erratic, is Norfolk’s closest thing to an ancient monument. Dragged here during the last Ice Age, this rock has successfully resisted all attempts to move it, from drunk villagers armed with ropes to the Gyrotiller rotary plough of the 1930s. Legend claims moving the stone will flood the Earth, though half of Norfolk is already a soggy mess.

Findings:

Elevation: Zero—still firmly lodged in its marl pit.

Geological Significance: Likely sandstone or calcareous grit; it predates Norfolk’s flatness.

Cultural Impact: Inspired drunken celebrations, mechanical failures, and folklore.

Current Status: Mocking humanity from its immovable throne.

Mission Notes: If this is Norfolk’s peak achievement, we’re in trouble.

Mission 002: Bloodgate Hill Iron Age Fort

Coordinates: 52.848°N, 0.747°E

Objective: Survey remains of an ancient Iceni stronghold.

Summary:

Once an impressive Iron Age fort, Bloodgate Hill has been ploughed into oblivion by centuries of Norfolk’s tireless agriculture. The site is now a faintly raised circle in the dirt, doubling as a sheep lounge. Excavations in 2003 revealed postholes, pottery shards, and existential regret.

Findings:

Elevation: Negligible; possibly the height of sheep droppings.

Historical Significance: Iceni heritage reduced to a ploughed-over curiosity.

Current Status: Archaeological afterthought with great views of sheep.

Mission Notes: At least the sheep seem happy.

Mission 003: Snetterton Circuit – The Mystery of Norfolk’s Missing Mountains

Coordinates: 52.471°N, 0.939°E

Objective: Investigate claims of secret Norfolk mountains hidden in Netflix's Senna series.

Summary:

Netflix’s new series Senna features stunning alpine scenery, supposedly set in Norfolk. Given the county’s famously flat landscape, this raises serious questions. Are Norfolk’s mountains hidden by crop rotation? Government-funded tractors? Relocated to Argentina? On-site reconnaissance revealed no mountains, but plenty of race cars.

Findings:

Elevation: Flat as a pancake.

Conspiracy Theories: Norfolk’s peaks stolen or erased.

Current Status: Mountains remain MIA. The truth may still be out there.

Mission Notes: Further investigation is required.

Mission 004: Fiddler’s Hill Barrow

Coordinates: 52.897°N, 0.997°E

Objective: Examine Anglo-Saxon burial mound and local folklore.

Summary:

Fiddler’s Hill is a burial mound with a side of ghost stories. According to legend, a fiddler was sent into an underground tunnel here, only to vanish mysteriously. Archaeological digs in 1933 uncovered three skeletons and some dog bones, furthering its reputation as Norfolk’s spookiest mound. Today, it’s an orchard, where decomposing Saxons fuel some very nice apples.

Findings:

Elevation: Slight mound, now partially flattened by roadworks.

Historical Significance: Burial site turned crossroads, turned orchard.

Folklore: Fiddler, spectral monks, and mythical tunnels.

Current Status: Producing apples and ghost stories.

Mission Notes: Eternal rest with a side hustle. Classic Norfolk.

Mission 005: Newton Flotman’s Big Circle

Coordinates: Approx. 52°32'46.0"N 1°15'10.2"E

Objective: Investigate mysterious circular formation spotted on Google Maps.

Summary:

Initial aerial reconnaissance revealed a large, circular anomaly in a field. Ground-level investigation confirmed the formation to be… a flooded field. Theories range from ancient ritual sites to drainage problems. While no definitive answers were found, the puddle remains Norfolk’s newest lowland attraction.

Findings:

Elevation: Negative—water accumulates in the depression.

Significance: Possibly a fluctuating mere, but could also be poor drainage.

Current Status: Giant puddle, pending further investigation.

Mission Notes: Shoutout to Bun X, Norwich (@bunxnorwich) for inspiring this soggy adventure. Lowland mysteries never disappoint, except when they do.

Final Assessment:

Norfolk’s terrain continues to underwhelm, yet its rich history and inexplicable quirks provide ample entertainment. Each mission has added to the growing archive of the county’s flat but fascinating landmarks. No mountains were discovered, but hope persists.

Mission Status: Ongoing.

Next Target: Classified.